I am a failure and I have no ambition.

I Quit the Medical Rat Race, and now I am a failure with no ambition.

After 1 year of studying to get into medicine, 100 exams and 6 years of rigorous undergraduate training, I have decided to jump off the medical rate race of training to become a specialist and 'super' specialist.

Chasing High Achievement and Prestige ..

I have always been a nerd, and I love Science. I love learning, academics was natural to me, and I topped my school examinations with top marks. My mum was proud. I got into a good medical school, and for the first 2 years, worked hard enough to achieve 'TOP' grades. 

I collected awards and certificates, but did not find fulfilment..

Medical school was a very toxic, and peoples worth was measured by their grade. How much did someone study? How high were their scores on exams? What were they going to become? A successful neurosurgeon? An otolaryngologist? What super-specialty were they going to pursue? Were they going to go to US of A? Were they going to stay in India, or perhaps try another country? How was I going to advance my CV? Everything needed to be figured out. Till I was 20, I had my entire life planned out on an excel sheet. I was extremely ambitious but I was discouraged from pursuing a career in UK by colleagues, due to the limitations of the NHS and uncertain ''career progression''. This caused me so much anxiety and stress that I was constantly having palpitations and panic attacks, to the extent that I got admitted to hospital with one. I was red lighted and my ECG was normal - thankfully it wasn't a heart attack. As I lay in the emergency department with IV antacid pumping into my veins, I promised myself that I would never sacrifice my health to this extent - not for something so far in the future that I had little control over. So, I spent all my free time researching in detail on how to get into a training program and I made a clear cut plan. If I planned well enough, I couldn't fail, right? Back then, I wanted to be a surgeon so I joined a surgical club, I collected 'evidence' for my portfolio. I joined societies. I started doing online courses, and started collecting certificates for my CV. I knew that I would get into a top training program of my choice and become a 'successful' specialist or super-specialist. But later on, I changed my mind about surgery and decided I wanted to become a neuro-radiologist. It was prestigious, It was intellectually stimulating, and I hated clinics as I found it unsatisfying to see patients for 1 minute and act as a drug dispensing vending machine. I wanted to do cool procedures, I wanted to be successful. I also wanted a good work-life balance. So push myself I did, I started subscribing to radiology newsletters, doing courses and building up my CV. I had a very strict career plan. I manifested. I visualized, and planned. I gathered all the resources on my notion board and put it together.

My Notion Board was a Visual Board where I planned everything for my radiology career. It was competitive, but I was determined to succeed - to prove that I could do it.

I was programmed to think that career success meant success at life. And it was never really about helping people - the entire medical system was rigged.

Despite of getting good grades and having an amazing CV, I was so depressed in medical school because I missed my family so much. How many certificates was I going to pile on? How many awards was I going to keep getting? Nothing really made me happy. At least, not these career successes.  And as I spoke to senior doctors who were rich an successful, they seemed deeply unhappy and bitter. I definitely did not want to end up like them.

Most of my batch mates were worried about making money and being 'free', most of them didn't care about patients. The amount of gaslighting I witnessed was crazy. Medical system was patriarchal, and doctors were considered experts and patients idiots.

My happiest times were times spent chilling outdoors with friends and family …

No matter how much I achieved, this was it. Going to the beach, lying down in the sun, I would think 'Ah, this is Life'. Towards the end of medical school, I spent more time outdoors, watching sunsets, going to the beach, practicing yoga, chilling with friends, etc. I felt more whole, more comfortable with myself and my mind started to open. I took a gap year after medical school, and moved to London to  live with my partner. I focused on chilling full time. I was cooking, reading, chilling in the park, exercising, travelling, and spending most of my time outside. Life was beautiful! 

My Dream Life would just be spent chilling by the beach.

Giving up my Radiology Dream.. but Discovering Functional Medicine! 

As all my health issues went into remission, I realized the power of lifestyle medicine and functional medicine. I started reading and reading - autoimmune diseases and chronic disease in remission? Cancer cured? Dementia Reversal? There was actual cure for diseases? Imagine how satisfying that would be as a doctor! One of the main reasons I was disillusioned with medicine was because I never saw patients getting better. This seemed perfect! Except the price of the course, this seemed perfect!

Functional Medicine is designed to tackle the root cause of disease by analysing diet, lifestyle, genetic variations, and ecological factors. It yields much better outcomes than conventional medicine. My autoimmune thyroiditis and endometriosis is in complete remission thanks to it!

After spending a year chilling, I realized that 1) If I continued in medicine, I want to interact with people, not stare at a screen all day. So out went radiology 2) I wanted a really chill life and specialize in lifestyle medicine, after becoming a GP. So I started studying for the entrance exam (MSRA) but I realized that that would require determination and planning. I would always need to have the exam at the back of my head. 

Tried studying for the entrance exam … And I found it SO boring. And I also realized that diabetic medications make diabetes worse? Antacids cause stomach cancer? And that cholesterol medications cause diabetes as a side effect (PS: Diabetes is the No.1 Risk factor for heart attacks). 

We were already prescribing high carbohydrate 'whole-grain' diets to diabetics, but I did not realize that diabetes medications and insulin made the disease worse! Out of curiosity, Instead of studying for my exam, I was doing research on diabetes and obesity and lost even more respect for the establishment. I realized that many people in medicine is in total denial about the reality, and was delusional in order to convince themselves that they were helping people. Their whole identity was medicine. No body cared about patients, at all - it was all a pursuit of self identity, and a feeling of “success”. Besides, many of of my patients were unhappy and unsatisfied- very few doctors actually explained what was happening to them.

The entire medical establishment exists within capitalism, and is designed to create profit for the pharmaceutical industry. This is a harsh realization I had to face during my research. 

I am now lazy and unambitious. According to capitalism, I am a failure. My 'potential' is 'wasted'.

Laziness is seen as something negative in capitalism. We should all be working incessantly in order for the economy to grow .. infinitely ? That is a bit of a scam, since the planet has finite resources.

I had potential to be so successful .. What am I? A resource to be extracted? I was done with this colonizer view of thinking. My limited existence on this planet does not need to be validated by capitalism.

I reject the capitalist idea of success. Working hard for decades to make infinite amount of money in order to consume as much as I can makes no sense to me. It sounds like a nightmare. 

I will never be as 'rich' as my colleagues. I will never make six figures.

I work in the NHS part-time and have a good take home salary that allows me to live a really comfortable life, but this averages to around £50k a year. I am not going to join training, neither am I going to a lot of additional shifts to make as much money as I can. 

What do I do with my time now?

I live each day as it comes, a simple life.

I still work, part-time in internal medicine. I still enjoy interacting with people, and patients. I love learning. I make really good money and live a very comfortable life within the system for now. But my intention is to slowly exit the system. I'm fluid and not rigid about my goals.

I work around 15 days a month on average, in the NHS.

I continue my research on health, ecological and lifestyle medicine out of pure curiosity and interest; and I will share my research on here.

I travel. I have travelled to so many European countries in the past few years of living in London. That being said, excessive travel is just another form of hyper-consumerism in my opinion. I have no intention to consume as much culture as possible.

I light a joint and philosophize. Meditate. Criticize the sh*t out of capitalism.

I spend most of my time outdoors in the park, hiking, gardening and home-steading. I make everything from scratch, and try to connect with the land I live in.

I am actively decolonizing and unlearning everything that capitalism and colonialism has taught me.

I cook delicious foods, chill and hang out with friends and family, go to the gym.

I have no goals to make infinite amounts of money. Not having a job or money but free time and health, Living in a community by nature is REAL WEALTH.

I have no goals to become successful in my career as per how the system dictates it - I consider my life to be a massive success at the moment, and I'm quite proud about it.

 

My ambition is health, community and freedom. 

That's all, folks.